Self Hate

So I have a confession to make. I have been dragging my feet on this blog post. As I dragged my feet I was blaming it on my indecision, something I’ve written about before but while that has played a part in the dragging of my feet is is not the root cause. The dragging of my feet for this blog post and many of my other creative adventures is something much more dark and insidious than indecision. It is one of the worst ruts that one can fall into as a writer, and that is self hate.

It is something I find myself struggling with on a come and go basis. Now I’m not meaning the self hate where I go off saying I’m a terrible miserable worthless person, or anything of the sort, but more along the lines of my writing. I find myself in ruts going ‘My writing is horrid,” “Who would like this idea?” “Why would anyone care? “All I write it crap,” “This isn’t even worth the effort.” I don’t hate myself as a person but clearly there are many times where I hate myself as a writer. I know as writers we are our own worst critic, but my critic can get rather vicious and become more of a flamer than a critic and it is hard to escape because it is me who is saying it.

So while this happens with writing there are times it is all I can do not to hit the delete key or crumple up the paper and throw the idea out. Of course that is when I’m lucky enough to set my fingers to typing or put pen to paper. Usually I sit around with a blank page and just stare and never write because anything I come up with is utter crap and not worth putting to paper. I was suffering that very issue for this blog. I have ideas. To me when I got them they were great ideas, I still think that the ideas I have are good and they are things I want to talk and write about but I kept finding myself sitting here thinking I’m not good enough to write about that which I want to write about or the idea may not be as worth while as a full blog like I had thought. I didn’t think I could truly write and truly give justice to what I wanted to say. I didn’t know how to approach things.

This is why I have settled to be honest with you and with myself and by recognizing that nasty inner demon and addressing it I am finally able to present to you one of the many ideas that I have had bumbling in my head for the past two weeks, and that is self hate. I know I’m not the only writer who hates on their own work and thinks their skills are far below what they actually are. I’m not saying I’m the next great American novelist, but I do feel that I might have something to offer to the world it is part of why I write I write to share my thoughts with the world so to speak but I also write for myself.

As Victoria Nelson puts it in her book Writer’s Block and How to use it we have to have a form of self-love to be able create and write because if we don’t we find ourselves in a state of self hate. Many times that is one of the places write’s block stems because natural instinct is self preservation and who wants to suffer the ‘writing blast’ of our own self criticism and hate? So in order to write you have to at least love the creative part of yourself and have the strength to keep the inner demons at bay. So while I love to write I have to regularly find the strength to fight off my inner demons, among other things, as writer’s block is far more complex than it being just one thing or being the same for every person.

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