Uncertainty

Writing.  It has been my passion and my joy.  I have had a love of writing that just kind of goes beyond logic.  I blog about writing, I read about writing I spend my spare time writing.  I have been writing and telling stories practically since I can remember.  My wish since I was little was to publish a book.  I want to share my stories with the world – let someone get joy form the worlds that I have gotten joy from.

It was just a dream as a little girl something that I entertained while I wrote away in my notebooks creating crazy stories about a girl and her best friend and dog Sparky to spies who have lost their memories and don’t know who is friend and who is foe.  Many other stories as well nothing serious just a girl allowing her imagination to run wild.

Then years passed, the dream over looked and I pursued other dreams – eventually I decided that my love of writing could be a career choice of sorts for me and I gradually started down the path toward publication.  I gradually built of steam before I started racing down the path toward publication.  This is my dream, this is my passion.  I will take and do whatever it is that is needed to get to that goal.  I was determined that I had the talent and skills.  The door was wide open and I was racing toward it.

Suddenly now,  I am looking at these mountains that I was not expecting.  I was aware of some the the mountains others not so much and some of them may even be my own creation, such as my self confidence in my skills, it is why I have returned to fanfiction, to try and build that confidence back up.  Yet as I write, I almost begin to question my dream.  I’ve done a lot of hard work and I have poured my heart into my stories, and I have asked for help from others trying very hard to produce the best work that I possibly can and yet, I’m not so sure any more.

I’m not sure if publication is where I want to go any more.  I don’t know if I want to keep writing as much as I do.  I don’t know what I would do instead because I do like writing, I love talking shop but at the same time I question myself, I question my path.  I am a writer, have been for a long time but am I fully cut out for this for the whole kit and caboodle?  Which entails lots of editing and re-writes and lots of hard work more than I have already poured in as it is.  I don’t know if I’m ready, I don’t even know if it’s what I still want.

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